Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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