True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
