The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
