I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
this hospital has no fireball
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
