That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
