OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
