I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
