I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
