I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
