Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
