The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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