I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
