Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
