Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
