his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
