when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just found a bag of teeth...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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