"it" just moved
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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