FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
