Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
please come you make the beer taste better
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
