Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
