I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
