There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
