saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
