i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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