dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
