I wish my penis had an off switch
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
