If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
