When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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