I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
