I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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