a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
