I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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