after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
