you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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