i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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