I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
