It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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