I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
