just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
