Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize