apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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