sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
