who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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