Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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