hotel room ftw
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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