i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
