Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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