As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
