My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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