is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
