You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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