The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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