I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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