Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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