I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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