yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
