Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
