if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
