I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize