We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
