Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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